Darling Nikki

Written by Darling Nikki | 27 February 2009

We've all heard the endless stream of blonde jokes/stories: Here's a few for which I personally can take credit for; file these under "O" for Ooops.

One time ('at band camp' ya ya ya) I was sitting on someone's back and we were on his bed. I was straddling him more or less, because I was giving him a backrub. He had a few knots in his (magnificent, if I might add) back. He told me to push down/rub on "the left". To which I responded without missing a beat, "your left or mine?" I immediately realized how far out my question was and started laughing. I even momentarily tried to make like I was just kidding, but that didn't fly and I wasn't very convincing. Backpedaling was not going to work. If I recall correctly, his exact words were, "Are you kidding me??" And no, there was no alcohol involved. This was me, Au Naturel.

Another time, (oh I was not too sharp on this particular day) I did yet another silly thing. I was what a pal of mine would describe as "sketchy". Lack of sleep, and some late night cavorting, were not helping my I.Q. de jour. While alone at a guy's house for the weekend (he was just out for an hour or two), I decided to tidy up and was clearing partially finished bottles of water from the coffee table. I thought I'd be nice and water his floorplants with the remainders of water.
 

Someone... (heavens, I can't imagine who??! Maybe the neighbors??:0) had been smoking a little something other than tobacco earlier and I'm sure the haze contributed to my judgement being a little "off". Must have travelled over by osmosis, go figure. Well, I watered the plants alright. You can't fool me for long though, as I soon discovered that only SOME of them were REAL. A regular Matlock I am. The others were apparently "decoys" in amongst them - very "real looking" decoys!! The water was rolling off the "real looking" soil of said decoy plants, onto the floor; the nice hardwood floor and as luck would have it, right beside where the laptop was charging. Whew - caught that in time. When he got home, I was laughing so hard as I 'fessed up to doing this, that he could barely make out what I was saying. I ask you though, (and I asked him) WHO puts real tropical plants in amongst real looking, fake plants??! :) I had it all cleaned up, he'd never have been the wiser, but I told him anyway.

Poor guy. "Water" seems to be an issue w/me and his things because it was that same guy that got the luxury car wash of all time courtesy of Darling Moi. This was a big "Oooops". There was no hiding this one.

One evening, I took his fine ride Escalade to the store and noticing how filthy it was on the outside, I thought I'd run it through the carwash. There's me, being nice again. It was wintertime. Sound harmless enough, so far? I swear I checked and re-checked the sunroof before entering the point of no return. It "seemed" ok. The button was very sensitive. Well, there I was a few seconds in, going through the wash when water started to pour in around the entire perimeter of the sunroof. It was like a raining rectangle! Had I touched the button, it would have been a complete disaster.

Yes, the roof was pretty wet. The entire interior of the roof was squishy to the touch and the interior light looked like a little lit up aquarium, minus a fish. (Hey I could've found Nemo :). I jumped out of the truck once I finally got through what seemed like an hour of going through the wash and was definitely panicking. "Houston, we have a problem": I called my friend and asked "is there something wrong with your sunroof?" and ofcourse he said "no, why?" "Well" I said, "umm there is now". I quickly removed some files that were on the back seat, grabbed a sock, I think it was, and frantically started drying the seats. It wasn't until I opened the rear driver side door that a considerable amount of water came pouring out from the bottom of it. Just that one door. I checked all the others. There must be a tube that runs from under the roof down through to the door for just these types of mishaps?? See?! Someone was wearing their smarty-pants when they designed this chariot, lol. I left the car running for awhile with the heat blasting and the windows down a bit once I got the now amphibious SUV back in the driveway. I must say, he took it VERY well, what a sweetie, and luckily there was no electrical damage. It was a while before I re-entered a carwash with my own car (it has a sunroof also) but I am now over my post traumatic carwash syndrome!! Thank God it was dark out and there were no witnesses to this 'stunt'. He never said, but I'm positive that he would not EVER want me to take his truck for a wash again haha, and yes, we still talk/see eachother quite often. The vehicle was detailed and the water stains were removed. I will never live it down though. The story has a way of re-surfacing. I better stay away from his hot tub if I'm not supervised; God only knows what I could manage to do with that. Flood the deck? Start a fire??!

Hey, in each case, my intentions were good! I will admit, there's a few more incidents I could pull out of my bag of tricks, that bear my signature, but best to divulge these things a little bit at a time I think. Maybe never?? :D

Darling Nikki

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