Darling Nikki
| 14 March 2009
I am shocked and amazed by the sheer madness that dwells in the minds of some men...Buddy that sent me a rude text message on Valentines Day, called to apologize. He sounded sincere. Ok, whatever. I usually give people a second chance. Comes over, has a drink and a short while later professes his love?? All I can hear in my head is the sound of a record scratching. Forget what I said before about that (the words "I love you") being a "gift". Let me rephrase: it CAN be a gift. Much better gift when it's from someone who you have a place in your heart for, on any level. Thank God there was another friend here with me, but right after she left, he goes in for "the kiss" and (shoves his tongue in my mouth) and asks if I will "please feel how hard it/he is". (?????)
I have never been involved with him in that way and was always clear that I had no interest in being. That's so creepy. Turns out (big surprise) that he was drinking before he got here, but he didn't appear to be drunk. I can be so naiive. I told him (politely ofcourse, incase he got weird/er) that it was best if he left, it was getting late. He left without any problem. (Aside from the fact that he's an idiot, but that's obviously chronic). His behavior is NOT acceptable. Based on a very recent text message from him since that night, I truly believe he is potentially problematic and I do not want him anywhere near me.
Then the "4-minute wonder" who I have long since "let go", (after a few immensely unrewarding interludes), calls the following evening, and says he wants to come by and hang out with me for a while. He "likes talking to me". BTW, this one doesn't even drink, so he can't use THAT as an excuse for his lacklustre performance - I wasn't up to much, "what the hell", I thought.. we're friends, he's not creepy, he just sucks in bed. HE then attempts (with NO 'signal' from me) after about an hour of innocent chatting, sitting in my living room to.... make out with me??? Again, I hear that 'record' scratching sound in my head... WTF?? I told him flat out; "There is NOTHING in this for me - there are other men that I "see", if/when I choose to (I've never hid this fact from him). Not once has he even tried to give me an orgasm. Four minutes doesn't give a woman much time.
And yes I told him that too (not the 4 minute part, I'm not that mean, the orgasm part). Because we were friends for awhile before the (few trials/attempts of) lousy sex originally started, I told him (awhile ago) we can be friends and nothing more. I think he finally gets it.. He just went through a recent breakup. I didn't want to be too hard on him but never have I had such piss poor sex with someone and I'm not into "sympathy sex". If nothing else, I got some "spring cleaning" done. The first jack ass is a hopeless pig, and I will keep my distance, and "Mr. me love you not so long time" can give his action to someone else. He's a nice person as a FRIEND, but he is a totally insensitive bed-partner and he's no fun at all.. no adventure, doesn't talk (during), he's sexually anti-social, clueless. Once again; if a woman wants a guy, she will let him know. It really isn't Rocket Science. None of the above overtures are acceptable.
I have met a decent, SINGLE, handsome and sweet man. It's all pretty innocent for now. I'm glad he doesn't live too close to me. I'm going to see him a few times, see how it goes. No rush.. What a novel idea. It's a nice change from the way things have been, and ARE. Not sure if (big picture) I will give up my current "fun" for him, (unless he were to become my official new man) and certainly not at this early stage. I've decided that it's true: Ladies, it's better when a man is more into you, than you are them. They're way nicer... and I'm attracted to him also, so I'm not in it for "comfort". So far so good, right?
I realized some things I wasn't admitting to myself (and it was a friend that indirectly helped me to come to these realizations). When someone hits the (my) "radar" I get a little apprehensive. I realized;
1. I don't want to feel vulnerable. Who does? Actually, I'm afraid to feel that way. Sometimes I think that someone is too nice for me, as though I don't want to corrupt or hurt them. OR, I catch myself trying to find faults with them, even though there don't appear to be any, at least nothing major..
2. Emotionally, I am not as trusting as I believed myself to be even though I speak very freely and honestly with many people. I have become used to being alone (single) and it's toughened me up in some ways. I've put up a few walls. My "new "normal" is status quo, and I may not like it all the time, but it's that Devil.. the devil I have come to know.
3. I treasure my independence (it didn't come easily). Obviously, (hopefully?) if I wanted to be with a certain person, I would not feel as though I was losing anything, but rather GAINING. Or at least that's what's supposed to happen.
4. I also admit that I often want to have things both ways; mine, and mine. How's that for reasonable? I could slap myself sometimes.
It's easier not thinking about these things. Then someone comes along and gets me curious; of what I (might) want, what I don't want, what I value, what my priorities are. It's making me take a closer look at myself. Oh-oh. Rewind. Ignorance can be bliss. I have morals, but I've made a few adjustments to my thought process over the past couple of years..
None of this is helped by the fact that I love somebody that I won't ever likely be 'with'. Exactly how DO you "unlove" someone?? And no, he's not married, but it's just one of those things that is not going to happen. Maybe I should shove my tongue into his mouth and see if that works, or see if he wants four minutes alone with me - just kidding. Does it sound like I'm having fun?? All things considered, in many ways I am. Nobody ever said life was fair.
Darling Nikki
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