Darling Nikki
| 17 March 2009
With the exception of couples who choose to pound on eachother with words, and/or fists (and stay in the circus that is their existence because "chaos" is their comfort zone) I'd like to make a few points in light of all the press with regards to Rihanna and Chris Brown. He's lucky I'm not the judge for his day in court, or the many others like him. Throw his punk ass into a Mexican jail for a few months, where no one would know him from a hole in the wall (literally) and let him get passed around like a peace pipe. (He's not even of legal drinking age in the U.S. and she is just 21). Maybe the Mexican jail thing is a bit harsh but seriously, a lot more needs to be done about identifying, preventing and putting a stop to violence against women. Consequences.. There needs to be harsh consequences. Rihanna will have to find out for herself that "love" doesn't punch you in the face and threaten to kill you.The school system should be implementing the subject into their curriculums. They barely have a handle on the topic of bullying though, so how far are we away from this topic being introduced? Get Boys at a young age, as well as Girls. Start talking about it. Zero tolerance. The message: This is not okay.
AT HOME: Parents need to talk to their kids about it. It's not a nice topic but it needs addressing.
Women who tolerate and excuse domestic violence are teaching their daughters that it's alright to be treated this way. Likewise if they have sons, the same message is being sent. Men who mistreat their partners or women in general (verbally etc) are also saying that this is the 'way to be'.
I know two men who are very verbally abused/demeaned by their 'significant others' on a consistent basis. And just like many women, they stay. They piss and moan (I've heard the stories) but they do nothing about it (besides have affairs, if they can; it's their passive agressive way of "getting back" at their partners). I cannot fathom how they live this way, or how anyone does. I tell them, "Go up on a rooftop if you have to, and shout out loud 'I AM BETTER OFF ALONE' and don't stop until it sinks in."
It is only an angry, broken, insecure and unhealthy mind that takes pleasure in demoralizing and bullying another. Young girls need to hear and understand that NO type of controlling behavior is acceptable. It leads to darker and more sinister things. Where there's smoke, there's fire. In most cases abusive people instinctively seek out persons that they know they can pull their shit on. They know exactly what they're doing. It's no coincidence. Boys need to be taught respect (by example) and that verbal abuse/threats/harm are not ever acceptable under any circumstances.
People blame their parents for so many of their own shortcomings. Not that one's environment doesn't have an effect on who we become, and doesn't factor in, but there comes a time in your life when you need to recognize that hey, maybe your mom and dad weren't perfect. Maybe one or both of them was seriously f*cked up. But this is YOUR life now. Make the choice to be that apple that rolled far, far away from the tree and kept rolling, if necessary. I didn't grow up in ideal circumstances. Far from it. A bully and an asshole for a father. A mom that had (and has) a heart of gold that was too afraid to stand up to him. They were separated, but that didn't stop him from tormenting her. For whatever he didn't do directly to me, or my siblings, he might as well have because when you hurt the mom, you hurt the child/ren - bottom line, no exceptions.
We need to stop making excuses for the unacceptable behavior of others. Making excuses and rationalizing bullshit allows for it to live, breathe and carry on. Cut off the air source. Suffocate the lies and garbage.
There ARE NO excuses for some things/people. KISS. Keep it Simple Stupid. A few things ARE black and white. Right or Wrong. There's no "grey" area. And if we are creating a "grey" area, therein lies the breeding ground for excuses and not calling a spade a spade. "But he's a good father", "he's a good provider", "he's always sorry afterwards, I know he doesn't mean it", "he's under a lot of pressure". WHATEVER. There's a million excuses and they are all pathetic.
No one can treat you like shit without first having been given permission. Toleration IS validation.
If it's our own behavior that we're making excuses for - ie; blaming a parent or parents for who we've become, and some of our struggles, it's time to grow up and suck up the fact that some of us didn't win the parent/family "lottery". As for forgiveness? That's an individual choice. Do what you have to do if it's going to help you.
Know this much; Parents, your kids are watching and listening and they're watching YOU. Peer groups will be influential as well but you are on the front lines. Love them enough to teach/show them to grasp in its entirety, that there are no circumstances under which a person should be abused in any way. There's leaders and there's followers, there's the weak and the strong. That won't ever change but we can make our kids stronger and ourselves stronger with every day that we are honest with ourselves. They need to learn to develop integrity and self esteem. My child knows that the way his father treated me was reprehensible. He also knows that I put a stop to it and in doing so, he learned two valuable lessons even at his young age. Treating women/girls like that is flat-out wrong, and that a good person, a good man does not behave that way. He is totally respectful towards me, and had I stayed with his father I would've sent him the opposite message. I'm no child expert but I have accomplished a lot and given him and I both a better life and future by removing us from the toxic relationship I was in.
I'm thankful every day for that much. Freedom and peace and the opportunity to have good things and people in my life. It's like a second chance. It IS a second chance. Mine, ours. I can say without any doubt; Never Again. And if the situation is that volatile, then there is something to be said for having NO communication. Some people really are hopeless. And just like I stopped talking to my father at the age of 14 (haven't spoken since), I will not ever speak to my son's father. Neither of those "men" deserved to know me, let alone have me in their lives. Incidentally, neither one put a "visible" mark on me or beat me up. In the end, the only thing you can take away from someone so utterly 'wrong', is yourself. You cannot "change" someone else. You can only change yourself.
Darling Nikki
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