Darling Nikki

Written by Darling Nikki | 04 June 2009

And so it goes - "I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see"

We often look but do not SEE, we hear but do not LISTEN. We can even touch, but not FEEL. And some of us pull off this amazing feat, for a lifetime. I'm a work in progress, trying to be graceful.)

But when (if) the lights come on, also known as: waking up and smelling the coffee, it all becomes clear. Very few people successfully 'hide' who they are forever. Sure, it takes awhile to get to know someone. Some, you never really know. But the fact is: people SHOW us who they are with what they say and do. Whether or not we SEE it right away is another story. When you like someone (attraction) it's more of a challenge. We wear blinders.

Often dramatically. It's definitely lowered mine a couple of times. There's no sure way to know right away, when you've met up with the wrong person (assuming all "appears" to be going smoothly, and btw, you're double damned if the person turns you on). But if we SEE and LISTEN, the truth makes itself known. Hence; hindsight is 20/20. Emotions are a powerful thing, both a tool and a weapon. Towards others, towards ourselves. How else to explain the divorce stats just as one example? Just how does love and affection manage to transform into loathing contempt?

Things only got more complicated in our lives, when we started taking off our clothes, and so it began. You show me yours, I'll show you mine. And life as we all knew it, was never the same again.

Too bad the brain is wired to ignore things sometimes. It takes some of us more time to "process" what we are taking in. It's best to hoan the skills and insight to cut down the 'processing' time. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!

We all got to be who we are by numerous variables. Early childhood, environment, family, peer groups, relationships. Our past. The good, the bad. How we react to all of it is what determines a positive or negative outcome. As adults, not much has changed except we are not in the playground anymore and we get bills with our names on them! Most of us still have relationships, family etc unless we are that unlucky not to (recluse?), or have f*cked up everything that badly, to be abandoned, written off.

We are still in some ways the child we once were, only fast forwarded by "x" amount of years. Theoretically smarter... but I know some kids who are a lot smarter than some adults will ever be. And being that child still - it's not meant as a good or a bad thing. It just "is". If you carry the negative around with you and nurture it, it becomes your chronic affliction. Your "garden of turmoil". I wish I'd become a psychiatrist. Probably best I didn't because I do believe that some people are hopeless in that they will never face reality.  We all have our set of conscious and unconscious rules that we "fly" by. Self preservation, as a general rule is key.
You can run but you can't hide.

I had a guy tell me recently how much he resented his mother. There were several reasons why. He doesn't even talk to her and by the sounds of it, he never will. He wasn't beaten or starved but he was not nurtured in the way that a child deserves to be. There's more than one way to beat and starve someone. Neglected, left to simmer, some people have little infernos within them that become a big part of who they are. Just as a discretionary example; he reflected on her "shitty cooking" and how she overcooked EVERYTHING. I asked him (trying to conjure up something positive) if there was perhaps just one thing he recalled that she didn't overcook, anything that he LIKED??

He thought for a minute and sure enough he pulled up a more positive memory of a particular meal or two that she'd make, and didn't 'f*ck up'. And for a brief second, he almost looked happy. What an overall, negative shit head S.O.B. he proved to be. Even his eyes were cold and dead looking. And no, I didn't see that right away. (See: "lowered IQ" and "work in progress"). My mother was no June Cleaver and I didn't have a Brady Bunch clan existence, but you don't see me taking it out on the world.. This dude was stone cold. 

Maybe if I go completely blind I will finally figure everything out .) My Sixth Sense.

Darling Nikki

< Prev		Next >