Darling Nikki
| 15 September 2009
These are merely MY views and thoughts. I'm no Relationship Guru.
There: that's my "Disclaimer."
Well, couples are still getting engaged, married in spite of a staggering divorce rate. Here's what gets me: I see (know of) some people getting married and they show NO signs of being committed to (their) "one" person. If they're like this NOW, how are they going to be in a year? Or even 6 months? Or ever??
It's either that, or they are so whipped it's ridiculous. (Not healthy either.) I just love those people that totally disappear when they get "involved" and then suddenly "re-appear" when things aren't so rosy anymore. One word; Pathetic. Also, I am amused at how some men get their lady a ring, just to pacify her and then have this super long "engagement" with no actual wedding date. Yeah, you can tell there was noooo pressure there to slip that ring on the finger. Yes, I know a few of 'those' guys and I also know (from them) that they are in NO RUSH to make it official. The pacifier? It works - for a little while anyway.
(Some) People are walking down the aisle for - how can I put this nicely..... foolish reasons. That's nothing new, ofcourse. Here are a few classic examples:
To appease someone else (partner and/or family). There's this pressure to "conform" - - that if you're a certain age, you should be married - or there's something "wrong" with you, or your relationship or your ability to do anything beyond half-assed.
"Pressure" - whether it's from within the relationship or external is NOT a reason to get married.
Or the "well I've been with her for 5 years, I must love her, it 'seems' like the right thing to do" excuse. There's a brilliant idea.
"All my friends are married, or getting married" -- With reasons like these, it's no surprise that so many marriages fail. Hey, with a 45% success rate (don't quote me on that,) I sure don't want to rain on anyone's parade but the fact of the matter is: that if you are not compatible with someone, and can't be yourself (and deep down if you have any sense, you have to know that) - you can get your single ass "married" all you like and that isn't going to change a thing. The forecast will be cloudy with showers a.k.a; murky and tearful. All the "working at it" in the world will NOT change the outcome and do you know why? Because it's either meant to be, or it's not and if it seems like "work" then something is definitely not right. If you're having to work at it that hard, I'm inclined to think there was some misrepresentation happening when the relationship was "new" either from one or both parties. Fact is: you can never be sure but we all have gut instincts, and if there's reservations and fear about the mere thought of it: FIGURE out what those are stemming from before taking "the big step." There's scads of books out there to address this whole decision and what makes relationships "work" but in the end it really comes down to gut instinct.
Did you meet this person at a high point, or a low point in your life? Are you looking to be "fixed," "helped" or "taken care of?" Are you afraid of ending up alone? Are you 'hoping' it will calm you down? Well, it might: for awhile.
There are some things where it's okay to have different opinions on things with a partner but when it comes to finances, raising children, even religious/political views - these are things that should not have wide gaps on thinking, between two people. Your CORE beliefs and values should not be dis-similar. If someone has an addiction for example, be it sex, spending, OCD, gambling, substance abuse; these are things that aren't going to just "disappear" all by themselves. Don't get married to anyone that has major problems and think you can "fix" them. Don't get married to anyone that you can't talk to freely, that you can't envision yourself growing older with, and facing lifes' curves and challenges with: that means "together."
Are you looking for an equal, or a parent? You'd be amazed how many men have more of a parent-child relationship with their spouses. It can happen the other way around too. I've seen it, and it's tragic and usually doomed. Daddy's spoiled little Princess doesn't always grow up. Neither does "Mommy's Boy." I've seen a couple of those hook-ups. Not pretty. Some executive types treat their wives like a mom AND a slave. "Pack my suitcase" "take care of the kids" - "Be a good wifey/hostess for the corporate events/parties" - these Big Shots aren't around
much (business trips galore) but some of them sure know how to pick the "right" woman; subservient. The trade off? Money, A big house, the kids in private school, a yearly vacation or two and a few bragging rights. With all that wealth, and their big show-homes, they are some of the loneliest, depressed women I have met. Most will stay with their husbands.
Close your eyes: Think of your "special someone." Can you see them clearly? Can you see getting through your worst possible nightmare with that person? Can you see yourself, there with them, for theirs? And I don't mean a bad dream. I mean that one or two things that we all have that are almost unbareable to even think about becoming a "reality." That they would be supportive and the first person you would seek for comfort/advice should one of your worst fears become real?
Alternatively, can you "see them" when you think of something really great happening? (ie: job promotion/winning a huge lottery and never having to work again, going on the vacation of a lifetime) - if you can see yourself with that person regardless of where life takes you, good or not so good - and through all the peaks and valleys, then it sounds like it could be right. Like I said, I am no "expert" but I do know a few things about human nature. We are never going to be perfect, especially in our imperfect world, and in a society that puts all kinds of pressure on our daily lives. Remember: the person you choose to marry should make life easier, not more difficult. Choose them because you truly believe that both your lives will be enriched and your personalities compliment each other's. Emotionally, spiritually and intimately.. and because you believe, (that just like your closest friends and family); that that person would be there for you come hell or high water. As 'they' say: "do you promise to love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health?"
Darling Nikki
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